Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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