I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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