Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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