yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
