i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
