All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
