My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
