Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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