i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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