Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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