but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
