got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
