I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
