This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
