my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
