You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
