Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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