Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
