saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
