i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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