My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
