please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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