its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
