either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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