Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
