ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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