I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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