There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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