I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
