he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
