I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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