how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
