We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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