I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
