Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
