my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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