How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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