Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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