So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
