If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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