i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
