K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
