I can tuck mytits in my pants
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
