Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
