All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
