you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i believe in u and ur pee
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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