So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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