I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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