My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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