I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
