im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
